Props

I’m uncomfortable sharing what follows. As always, this post is honest – my true feelings without filter or pretense. I’m okay with that. What troubles me is the vulnerability I assume in sharing today. Don’t judge me too harshly. I’m embarrassed by most of this. Here goes:

I want to be seen. I’ve always wanted this. To be recognized, valued, and appreciated. I don’t need my picture on the cover of your brochure, but I want to be included (meaningfully) in whatever program you are promoting. I would love to hold a position, office, or title with whatever organization you serve. I want to be known and remembered and referenced in conversations that occur beyond my immediate scope of friends and family. I want to be empowered and acknowledged. I want someone, anyone, to see me – to affirm the qualities and qualifications that (I think) describe me uniquely. I crave that affirmation.

Years ago, I was asked to serve on a planning board for a national ministry conference. I accepted immediately, interpreting this assignment as an honor received for the best and brightest and most successful amongst my peers. Others on this board fit these criteria, as far as I could tell. Why was I, an unknown personality from an unknown church in an unknown territory, chosen for this honor? I’ve never known for sure. Maybe because I represented a region that was largely disconnected to our conference. Likely because I had a close relationship with the event organizer. Ultimately, it didn’t matter. I had been seen.

Over time, I gained advanced degrees in theology and ministry. I earned letters to put after my name and accredited certificates to hang on my wall. I spoke at some events along the way and even presented at the same ministry conference that had seen and empowered me years before. Real or perceived, I was seen on stages and in classrooms, gaining credentials and accolades and an overly inflated sense of self in the process. No matter – I was seen. Recognized. Valued and appreciated? Those are topics for another day.

There are seasons of my life in which I felt seen. It’s been a few years since then. I’m no longer in Professional Ministry, and I have stopped trying to be seen in that arena. Now, through my current work as a fledgling Starbucks baristo, I find myself wrestling with the same things that hampered me in ministry all those years. I still want to be seen. I want to be recognized and empowered to something meaningful. Could someone please notice me for my skills in customer service? Maybe give me some props for bringing in better tips than my peers at the drive through window? I would love to be seen. I would love to get some props.

I’m convinced the field of Professional Ministry attracts people like me for some unhealthy reasons. What better industry is there for common, everyday people who want to be seen? Most of us know we can’t compete with actors, performers, or the people on our local news stations. Our best opportunities to be seen are on stages, in pulpits, at youth events, and in hospital rooms for parishioners of all ages. Others want to see us in these places. We are needed here. Toward this end, we are empowered and recognized. Seen. For those of us who need to be needed, there is something intoxicating and addictive about this kind of work. We are (typically) recognized and (sometimes) appreciated here. We are seen. We sometimes even get some props.

To be fair, many of the props we get in Professional Ministry are half-hearted, even insincere. It’s human nature to congratulate public speakers and tell them their messages are great even when they aren’t. I’ve watched someone sleep through my sermon just to tell me how much they enjoyed it when they saw me later. People do this all the time. Props to me, you say? You can keep those to yourself. I shouldn’t be in this business for the props anyway.

Many of my props in the past have been self-congratulatory. I’ve assumed props in the absence of others sharing in real and meaningful ways. I’ve been delusional at times, thinking myself seen, valued, and appreciated when these things were untrue. All those years I attended my annual ministry conference I told myself others saw me there. By and large, I assumed props through superficial social interactions, Looking back, it’s sobering to consider how many meals I ate alone during those events. I was never really seen in the ways I had imagined. Those props were an illusion.

Still, I wanted to be seen. Recognized. Appreciated. Empowered in meaningful ways to meaningful tasks, assignments, and posts. I wanted this then and I continue to desire this now. To be seen. To get the occasional prop.

Let me pause to clarify something here. It is not my intention to seek any spotlights. I am not an attention-seeker or a narcissist as far as I know. My goals in life do not include any type of award, and I am a little uncomfortable with public recognition in this regard. I am happy to serve others and do my work behind the scenes in my respective arenas. What I do want is for someone to recognize and appreciate my efforts. I want to be known – for who I am and what I do. I want others to see me as someone who makes a difference in this world, someone whose inclusion makes teams stronger and whose contributions are meaningful. I want to be seen in these ways. Any props can be offline, personal, without ceremony or fanfare. I just want to be seen. Props are a bonus; occasional affirmations to pacify my insecurities.

This week my former peers will gather for the annual ministry conference I attended all those years myself. Plenty will be there to learn and worship and recharge and encourage others. Some will attend with secret hopes of being seen. Recognized and appreciated among their peers. As with any social gathering, there will be some egos in the room – attendees who come to strut and brag, whether they realize it or not. There will also be many like me – people with deep insecurities who want desperately to matter in this life and hope someone, anyone, will recognize and appreciate them. People who want to be seen. People who don’t always get many props but would kill to have some every now and then.

While friends gather at this event, I will be handing out coffees at Starbucks. My work here is different, but my desire for recognition and appreciation are the same. I still want to be seen. For whatever reason, I simply can’t shake this. I know that God’s approval is all I need, and I know I have this already through Jesus Christ. I am seen by Him, always and forever. This is all that matters – I get it. Still, I have that craving. I want to be seen by my peers, by mentors, by others whose views and opinions matter to me. I would love to be recognized and appreciated and included and consulted and sought and valued. Every now and then I would love to even get some props.